Kumo Desu ga, Nani ka? Volume Chapter 10

Sleep, wake up, eat, make thread, eat, laze around, sleep.

Is this place heaven?

’Cause it’s everything I ever wanted!

“And what exactly have you been up to while I’ve been studying my fangs off?”

Ah. Vampy has come, a vein bulging on her forehead, to ruin my perfect paradise.

“Why don’t you study etiquette and such with me, since you clearly have nothing better to do?”

Vampy smiles as she forcibly drags me out of the room.

Nooo!

I don’t wanna go to school!

This is kinda sad, though. I’m not even strong enough to pull myself away from Vampy anymore.

Grrr! Will the loss of my stats ever stop ruining my life?!

Thus, I am forced to go along with Vampy.

By the way, if you’re wondering why the baby bloodsucker was able to enter my room in the first place, it’s because right after that hooligan attacked my room, she came and attacked me, too.

Yeah, I said it. She didn’t comfort me. She attacked me.

Sure, she came running when she heard the commotion, but her first response was to smile like an evil executive and say, “Oh, good. Now I can come in.”

Then she barged right into my room as if she’d been waiting for this moment, stared me down, and told me, “I hope you’ve learned your lesson. Don’t you dare block that door again.”

I guess this little girl wasn’t too happy about us holing up in my room.

I have to obey her, or she’ll kill me!

Riel and Fiel apparently feel the same way, since they’re clinging to my arms and trembling.

A little girl who paralyzes the other little girls with fear.

Talk about terrifying…

Wait, aren’t Riel and Fiel stronger than Vampy?!

Why are YOU guys scared?!

But in that moment, our terror made us give in to Vampy’s threat.

Dammit! This wasn’t supposed to happen!

And now that our room is open to visitors, Vampy has started coming to attack us whenever she has a chance.

Yeah, I said it. Not visit. Attack.

If she comes in the morning while we’re making thread, she interrupts our work and gets in the way, and if she comes during our elegant afternoon teatime, she steals all our snacks and cakes.

Without her guardian, Mera, around, she’s becoming a tyrant!

And now it’s come to this: forcibly abducting me.

Even my famously gentle personality can’t take much more of this, y’know?

But I’m keeping that to myself.

I’m sure Vampy is lonely, too.

She’s been separated from her beloved emotional support, Mera, not to mention her mentor figure, the Demon Lord.

Our life together on the road was pretty lively, so I’m sure the stark contrast of life here has made her lonely, which is why she’s lashing out like this.

Yep, that’s gotta be it.

But don’t worry. Your big sister here is super-kind and super-patient.

I can go along with a child’s selfish whims just fine!

Man, I’m so damn nice.

And thus, my and Vampy’s study-buddy adventure begins.

…Um, excuse me. Can I quit now? What? I can’t?

C’mooon! This suuuucks!

The regular lessons are one thing. The Demon Lord told us all kinds of things on the journey, and sometimes we read books and studied and stuff, so I understand most of what’s going on.

But the etiquette seminar? That’s no good!

What do you mean, the proper way to walk and eat and stuff?

Um, this is super-hard!

This must use different muscles from walking normally, ’cause I’m sore all over the place!

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And for table manners, you have to be careful about all kinds of crap while you eat, so you can’t even enjoy the food properly! I don’t get to stuff myself to my heart’s content like I used to!

If I’m not gonna get to eat that much during the day, I wanna at least savor the flavors while I eat, but now I can’t even do that!

How do you ruin EATING?!

And then comes the horrible cherry on top—dance lessons!

Do I look like I can handle this level of intense exercise?

Are you trying to kill me?!

So by the time Vampy drags me back to my room, I’m a shell of my former self.

If I had to do combat training and stuff on top of that, I might seriously die.

Luckily, Vampy’s private tutor gives up on me before the combat stuff gets too far.

I wonder if I can convince the other teachers to give up on me, too?

Especially for the manners seminars.

By the way! If you ask me, manners are definitely what Vampy needs the most.

Like me, Vampy has learned a lot of stuff from the Demon Lord already, so she does all right with regular lessons, too.

There’s also the matter of our bonus knowledge from our prior lives, which means Vampy’s brain is leaps and bounds ahead of the other kiddos her age.

The teacher was even raving that she’s a child prodigy.

But etiquette? Not so much.

We obviously never had to learn fancy-pants manners in our old world, and the Demon Lord never bothered teaching us, since she’s not technically a noble, either.

Mera occasionally gave the baby bloodsucker simple lectures about it when he had the time, but that wasn’t super-in-depth. If anything, that vampire duo was always more focused on combat training than etiquette.

Talk about violent.

So Vampy’s manners are age appropriate, or maybe even a little higher.

Noble kids get etiquette drilled into them from birth, I guess. Is that scary or what?

Although I think it’s impressive that Vampy’s manners are almost as good as the real noble kids who grew up with this stuff.

Me?

Well, I already look like I’m high school age!

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The etiquette teacher took one look at me and said “Oh, dear me!” all right?!

She must’ve been thinking that it would be a treat to teach a student who somehow hasn’t learned manners at this age!

Um, ’scuse me? I know I don’t look it, but I’m about the same age as Vampy, y’know?

Don’t let my appearance fool you.

I’m just a cute little girl!

So go a little easier on me, please, and thank you.

But on top of these horrible daily etiquette lessons that leave me sore to the bone, there are two other things that have been driving me up the wall.

One is that I’m not getting anywhere with my efforts to restore my power.

The other… Well, I guess it’s a person, not a thing.

“Yo.”

“Go away.”

It’s our old pal Hooligan, who gets a cold reception from Vampy every time he arrives.

Yeah, that’s right.

For some reason, this stupid pyromaniac who I thought I’d never have to see again has been showing up all the damn time.

Uh, Mr. Head Butler?

Didn’t you say you wouldn’t let this guy near me again?

But getting mad at the head butler would be barking up the wrong tree.

This damn hooligan is craftier than he looks, ’cause he’s been making a point of showing up only whenever the head butler’s not around.

Since the head butler serves the head of the house, Balto, he has to go to the Demon Lord’s castle from time to time.

Between being Balto’s assistant and running this place, the head butler is extremely busy.

Hooligan takes advantage of that to come attack when we’re unprotected.

The rest of the staff doesn’t seem to be able to stop him, since he’s the master of the house’s little brother and all, so the maids end up bringing him here with apologetic looks on their faces.

See, this is exactly why you can’t give problem children any authority!

“Beat it. Brats should mind their own damn business.”

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“Then perhaps you should mind your own business, too. Since you clearly have the mind of a brat yourself.”

A cold breeze blows through the room out of nowhere.

And I don’t mean metaphorically. There’s seriously wind blowing in this room.

The magic power seeping out of Vampy and Hooligan, who have Ice and Fire attributes respectively, clash against each other and form wind because of the drastic temperature difference.

Since it’s so cold, that means Vampy’s power is probably beating Hooligan’s. Cool.

By the way, it’s freezing in here, so could you cut it out?

Why has my precious teatime turned into a battlefield?

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it…

Well, if you don’t understand something, best to just leave it alone, right?

With that in mind, I sip my tea, which has gotten a little cold thanks to the freezing air.

Riel and Fiel stuff their faces with tea cakes, ignoring Hooligan completely.

These guys are supposed to be my bodyguards, but Hooligan barges in so damn often that they don’t even pay him any attention anymore.

Thanks a lot, guys.

And you, Hooligan. How does it feel to be glaring daggers at a little girl like Vampy?

She definitely seems to hate his guts.

But from a neutral perspective, the sight of this tough guy and a tiny girl staring each other down is pretty surreal.

Uh-oh. Now they’re cursing each other out?

I’ll leave the contents of their insults to your imagination.

Although frankly, it’s only because they’re being so juvenile, it doesn’t seem worth relaying the details to you.

I guess they say fights break out only between people of around the same level…

“Sael.” Getting heated, Vampy snaps Sael’s name.

Sael, who’s been sitting frozen with her cup in hand, stands up immediately.

Okay, stop! Time-out!

I order Sael to sit back down by way of a hand gesture.

Obediently, she sits back down.

Whew.

Listen, Vampy. I don’t care how worked up you are; you can’t use Sael for this.

She doesn’t understand jokes, okay?

If you tell her to attack, she really will kill him on the spot.

Whatever insane orders you give her in the heat of the moment, Sael will act on them no matter what.

This is a handle-with-care warning, all right? You have to be super-careful when you give Sael orders or else!

…And no, I’m not secretly thinking that it wouldn’t be so bad if she really did kill Hooligan, since he’s super-annoying.

There is no part of me that thinks I could totally blame it on Vampy if it happened like that.

Nope. Not even a little.

“Seriously, what did you even come here for?! Just leave already!”

“Shut up, dammit! I ain’t here to talk to you, that’s for sure! Besides, this is my damn house!”

Ahhh, so peaceful.

Looking away from Vampy and Hooligan, I take a bite of a cake.

“And, you! Quit ignoring me, dammit!”

Geh! Now he’s turning on me?!

I don’t wanna deal with that, so I’ll just stare off into next week and pretend not to hear him.

“Pffft! She doesn’t even want to look at your face, you see? How sad.”

“Urgh!”

Vampy grins triumphantly, which just makes Hooligan even angrier.

Why would Vampy be triumphant about that anyway?

More importantly, can’t Hooligan just go away already?

Seriously, he’s such a pain.

“I just came today to drop this crap off! See ya!”

Hooligan practically slams some kind of bottle down on the table, then stomps away.

I guess he finally picked up on the fact that I really don’t want him here.

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If he knows that, I wish he’d stop getting into it with Vampy every time.

Or more importantly, just don’t come here at all.

Unlike my private irritation, Vampy watches him go and huffs loudly.

Honestly, I wish you would stop picking fights with him, too.

It’s cold, literally.

“What is this anyway? Hmm? Liquor?”

Vampy’s attention quickly shifts from Hooligan to the bottle he left on the table. She picks it up and squints at it suspiciously.

“Doesn’t seem to be poisoned. It’s just regular liquor.”

She must have investigated with Appraisal.

Why liquor, though?

C’mon, Hooligan, my dude. What kind of gift for a lady is that?

Oh, maybe it’s because my pal the Demon Lord is probably boozing it up all the time in the Demon Lord’s castle?

Well, I don’t know if that’s true. But why else would he pick liquor as a gift?

He wouldn’t…right?

An alcoholic might be happy about a gift like this, but I’m a healthy, wholesome child.

I’m healthy, okay? I just have a teeny bit of a weak constitution.

Well, I guess this probably just means that Hooligan is running out of gift ideas.

At first, he brought bouquets of flowers.

Although Vampy froze those in ice and smashed them on the floor right away.

He’s brought a bunch of different presents after that, but it seems like all his research has led him to conclude that food and drink are our favorites.

I mean, he’s not wrong.

Although I still think liquor is kind of a weird move.

“…Maybe just a little.”

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For some reason, Vampy takes the lid off the bottle and sniffs the contents.

“Oof!”

That alone is enough to send her reeling.

Ah, right. Vampy really can’t handle her liquor.

During our travels, the Demon Lord bought alcohol by the barrel and drank it on the regular.

We joined her sometimes, but Vampy wasn’t allowed to drink, since she was an infant and all.

Although she still stole a few sips on occasion when the Demon Lord was distracted.

But whenever she did manage to drink, she always passed out immediately.

I guess being extremely weak to alcohol might be in her genes.

According to Mera, Vampy’s mom also fell asleep whenever she had even the smallest amount of alcohol, so she must have passed that down to her kid.

Judging by Vampy’s current reaction, she can’t even smell it safely.

Talk about wimpy.

Evidently realizing she can’t drink it, Vampy looks dissatisfied as she puts it back on the table.

…Hmmmm.

Come to think of it, I guess I haven’t had any alcohol since my deification.

When I was an arachne, I used to drink along with the Demon Lord from time to time, but after the deification stuff happened, she forbade me from drinking because of my feeble state.

I believe she said something like, “Yeah, no, I don’t think White should drink anymore.”

And yeah, I guess she wasn’t wrong.

The only reason I was able to handle my liquor so well as an arachne is because I had those stats and resistance skills and stuff.

Without all that, my body is super-weak and unprotected.

So it makes sense to conclude that I shouldn’t be drinking in a state like that.

To be honest, even I’m sure that drinking now would totally make me sick!

But wait!

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Doesn’t that mean I should rise to the challenge?!

If I live my life in fear forever, how will I ever move forward?!

Now is the time to take the first step!

In other words, what I’m saying is that I wanna drink alcohol again.

It’s human nature to want to try something when you’re told that you can’t. Although I’m a spider, not a human.

My memories around drinking are kinda vague for some reason, but I do remember being pretty happy when I did it.

And since the Demon Lord isn’t around to keep an eye on me, this is the perfect chance to recapture that happiness buried deep in memories past, right?

So c’mon—let’s give it a try!

Since I’ve finished the tea in my cup, I pour some liquor into it instead.

“You’re going to drink it? Take it slow, all right?”

Vampy stares at me reproachfully.

Those puppy-dog eyes aren’t going to stop me, little girl!

Fortunately, it appears that Riel and Fiel aren’t going to try, either.

In fact, they’re holding out their cups like they’re waiting for their turn.

All right, then. You guys can be my accomplices.

Yesss, come to the dark side. Heh-heh-heh.

I pour some liquor into Riel’s and Fiel’s cups.

Sael’s, too, although I don’t know if she’s actually gonna drink it.

The liquid in our cups looks like a dark red wine.

The aroma is definitely pretty strong, too.

Oh yeah. You could almost get drunk off the smell alone.

If you’re going to give a woman alcohol, shouldn’t you at least pick something a little more drinkable?

That stupid Hooligan just doesn’t get it.

Well, whatever. Bottoms up!

We clink our cups together, then gulp them down.

Whew! That’s strong!

The taste and the alcohol content are both crazy intense!

Is it just me, or is this stuff meant for fancy connoisseurs?

My throat feels kinda weird, and my head is all spinny, and… Huh?

Hrmmm? Why’s Vampy moving back and forth like a metronome?

Huh?

Now THAT’s weird.

When did Vampy learn how to make the entire world wobble around like that?

I didn’t even know that skill existed.

To cause a natural disaster like this, it must be some kinda super-advanced earth magic or something!

“Stooop! Quit shaking it! You’re gonna break the world!”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“Waaaah! Stop iiiit!”

“What do you mean?! H-hey, are you all right?”

Obviously not! That’s why I’m telling you to stop!

I guess I have no choice but to stop you myself!

Hiyah!

“…?! I don’t know what’s going on, but this seems dangerous! Sael!”

For some reason, Sael comes flying at me.

I must admit, it’s impressive that she can move so freely in this wobbly space.

But no! I won’t let a tackle like that stop me!

Repulsion, activate!

“Huh?!”

My Repellent Evil Eye power blows Sael away as she tries to leap toward me.

At the same time, I stretch out my hands toward Riel and Fiel, who have been trying to sneak up on me from either side.

Eat my Black Wave Motion Gun!

Waves of darkness pulse out of my hands, slamming Riel and Fiel into the walls.

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Bwa-ha-ha!

You’re a hundred years too early to defeat me!

Now that the three puppet spiders are incapacitated, I tie them up in thread and hang them upside down from the ceiling.

While I’m at it, let’s get Vampy up there, too, since this is all her fault in the first place!

“What the—?!”

Vampy dangles upside down in midair, her skirt flipped all the way upward.

She’s trying to hold it in place, but I can totally see her cutesy undies.

“Put me down! Put me down!”

Bwa-ha-ha!

Don’t even bother trying to freeze my thread with your magic.

My Antimagic Evil Eye will mess up your power before you can make a single spell.

So why hasn’t the world stopped wobbling yet?

I can’t believe she just casually used a spell so powerful that it doesn’t stop even if the caster is incapacitated!

“Stay up there for a while and think about what you’ve done!” I yell.

“What do you mean?! Why are you doing this to me?!”

Vampy’s shrieks of despair are music to my ears.

Something about her teary-eyed expression puts a grin on my face.

I kinda want to make her cry some more.

So I spin some thread around into a little feather-like shape.

“Huh? Wait! What are you going to do with that?! Stop! Nooo!”

Aaaand up the nose it goes.

“Eep! A-a-achoo! Achoo! Waaah…”

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Okay, now it’s tickling time.

Coochie coochie coo.

“Eeeeek! Noooooo!”

Ah-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

…Oof.

Ouch. Uuurgh…

Good morning.

Hoo, boy, my head hurts.

Water…

I make some thread to pull the pitcher of water over to my hand.

Ah, I don’t have a cup.

Oh well.

I pour some water out of the pitcher, then manipulate it in midair to carry it to my mouth.

Whew. Muuuch better.

…Huh?

Hmm? Hmm? HMMMM?!

Excuse me?! What did I just do?!

I pulled the pitcher over with thread and moved water around in midair?

I try to do it again but then realize there’s no more water in the pitcher.

But that’s not important right now.

I turn my hand over.

As I stare into my palm, I can see what I’ve been trying to see all this time but couldn’t until now: the movement of energy.

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I manipulate it and form a rune.

Like the kind my magic skills used to make.

Once it’s fully formed, the rune summons a ball of darkness, just like I pictured.

A floating mass of energy, around the size of a tennis ball.

I close my hand and crush it in my fingers.

A tiny explosion occurs inside my clenched fist.

But when I open my hand again, there’s not a single scratch.

Because I enhanced my defensive power and guarded against it.

“I’m back.”

Without thinking, I mutter aloud.

I’m finally back.

I don’t know what caused it exactly, but I can finally use my powers again!

I don’t think I can do things as freely as I was able to at the height of my power, but it’s still a whole lot better than not being able to do anything at all.

Aaaaah! I did it!

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoooo!

I’m back! I’m baaaack!

I can feel it. I can feel the energy overflowing inside me!

And I can see it. I can use my Evil Eyes again, and I can see what I wasn’t able to…see…before?

As I’m doing all this seeing, I notice the unconscious bodies all around me.

Vampy is hanging upside down with a very unladylike expression, and Sael, Riel, and Fiel are dangling from the ceiling, too.

Huh? What the heck are you guys doing up there?